I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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