Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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