I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
