I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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