Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Mom said you looked used
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
