it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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