anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
