I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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