lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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