My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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