Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
