hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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