She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
It was confusing and full of hummus
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
