I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
