I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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