Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize