Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
