walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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