Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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