I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
