I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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