All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
