remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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