All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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