Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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