Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
