I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
