I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
