Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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