NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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