Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
