There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
