my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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