You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Randomize
