Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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