Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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