There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
There's always time for handjobs
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
