I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
