Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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