He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
