oh god the rape fog is back!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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