Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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