forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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