the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
