i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
