im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
