I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
