matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize