One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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