Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
