Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
