You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
