i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
