Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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