omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
