There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
