I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
