You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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