if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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