my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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