I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
