finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
