im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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